Are You Meaning it . . . In the Good Way?

We’ve all heard the following sayings in some form, maybe at different times in our lives:

Bless your heart.
I’m praying for you.
Light to you.
Sending prayers!
Love and light.
Good luck with that!

In most cases, these sayings we hear during tough times and hardships are said in the best of ways, backed by caring and genuine acknowledgement.  But there are times when that just simply is not the case.  Instead, these sayings may be paired with feeling sorry for the other person or looking down on their situation or circumstances to make us feel better about our own lives.  Or these types of phrases can be used to create a solid boundary with the person experiencing hardship by ending the conversation in a socially acceptable way.  We may feel relieved that we’ve done our part by sharing nice words while creating some distance.

This is a pretty subtle area to look at, but it’s an area worthy of consideration and self-reflection.

When my husband and I moved to the South, we stuck out like sore thumbs.  Our Yankee accents were often mentioned in conversation.  One kind neighbor took us under their wing and offered to assist us in our boat-buying process, stating, “With those accents, you’re sure to get the worst deal around.”  And so we began to learn about and love Southern culture.  Honestly and truly, we loved our tightly knit community and the people that took us in and looked after us during our transition.  At one special neighborhood dinner, there were stories being passed around, and an older friend shared the line we heard often: “Well, bless your heart.”  And then he proceeded to add on, “I meant it in the good way, you know.”  My husband and I stopped and considered it.  “You mean, there’s a way to say it that’s not good?”  We hadn’t considered that the saying can be meant as a joke or in a condescending or chastising way.  And the answer was, “Yes.”  Surprising to us, there were ways of saying those beautiful words that created separation rather than the connection, closeness, and caring most of us would hope for during moments of difficulty and challenge.

I left our dinner considering this—that words that sounded so beautiful and supportive could hold energy behind them that does not have the clearest or purest of intentions.  What was this about?  It felt deceitful to me in some way—secretive—and not helpful or kind.  Inside jokes have always been an area of sensitivity for me.

Later, I was reminded of studies about the way prayers are sent to others.  It’s been found that the way we pray, meditate, and send love to others matters—in big ways.  If they come from a place of feeling sorry for or better than or with worry or fear, then the prayers and good thoughts fall flat or even cause injury.  But when they come from a place of believing in a person’s inner strength, gifts, and ability to navigate the challenges at hand, they are the prayers, intentions, and thoughts that truly lift a person and their situation.

How are you putting your words, thoughts, prayers, and visions out toward those in your life?  Are you meaning them in the good way?  The way that comes from genuine caring, connecting, and lifting?  Or are they coming from a place that creates and adds to separation in some way?

This is a new level of responsibility in action—some call it radical responsibility—to look this closely.  I encourage us all to take a look at how we are putting our thoughts and words out into the world and to line them up so we’re adding something of genuine value and contribution, because the truth behind the words does matter.