Navigating Grief & Loss
A Blog from the past, July 2016
Here we are, looking at the topic of navigating grief and loss straight in its face. What I have to share next may come as a surprise to some readers:
This is not actually about navigating grief and loss, as we can’t actually do that. Grief and loss, instead, navigate us.
When we use the term “navigating,” it means we should be able to chart a course, plan ahead, and have a set destination. The cold hard fact is that grief simply doesn’t allow us to work that way. I’m not unfamiliar with the darkness that grief brings; I speak from my own personal and painful experiences with loss, including the death of family members, childhood and college friends, pets, and relationships. But despite all of these significant losses, nothing has cut quite as deep as the recent loss of a parent; more specifically, my dad.
His passing hit directly at the core of my being. It turned my entire world upside down, pushing many of my views on spirituality, life, death, purpose, and meaning to the forefront of my mind and causing me to reexamine all of my life roles. Who even was I without my dad? He had been such a pivotal figure throughout my entire life, and yet, in the blink of an eye, a major reference point had shifted. My beliefs surrounding grief were altered as grief directly taught me that I was not, by any means, in charge of my grieving process. I could influence it and learn to work with it, but control? Absolutely not.
When you talk with people about grief or loss, they may discuss their overwhelm, confusion, exhaustion, sadness, tears, and the tidal waves of emotion that seemingly appear out of nowhere. Those waves are huge, and they are real. You may find yourself feeling normal and going about your day one minute and then be flooded by waves carrying the most intense emotion(s) the next!
The loss of a loved one is a very clear, definable loss, but it is not the only type. Grief can take on many forms, and a loss of any kind can serve as a tender spot that bleeds a longing for what was once there. This could be the loss of a pet, a relationship, a friend who’s moved away, a job, or a special person in your life. While these may be more obvious and traditional types of loss than others, don’t discount the more hidden places grief may creep up from. These can include a child going away to overnight camp or leaving for college; a move to a new location, which entails saying goodbye to a home and community; or the loss of an old way of being or living. Even a life change that should be teeming with joy, such as a marriage, can also be associated with grief, as it involves losing parts of our old life.
The well-known Kübler-Ross Model of the five stages of grief can be helpful in identifying where a heightened emotional response is coming from. I view working with the five stages as a bit like shaking a Magic 8 Ball—that is, rather than being a steady map to follow, the stages tend to shift and intertwine. You can’t truly know which one will come up next! It could be anything from denial, anger, bargaining, depression, or acceptance.
Recent studies have indicated that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. Previous timelines, rules, strategies, and ideas of adhering to fixed stages, which were once deemed as insightful and helpful, are routinely being debunked. Instead, try allowing the emotional waves to keep running through in the way they naturally do for you and grab lessons from what your grief has to teach you. In doing so, take note of what messages, memories, and insights break through that can help you to enhance your living each day.
Of course, I miss my dad. I always will. But I know that the lessons he’s left me are simply too rich to not pick up and consider. I have chosen to use his passing as a means for growth and reconstruction. It is in this way that he is still with me, encouraging me to do my best each day and to be loving and kind to myself (and others) above all else.
Blessings to each of you no matter what your grief journey may entail.
Warmly,
Marika